


Hot Under The Collar

by timekept



Category: McElroy Vlogs & Podcasts RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-30 10:08:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11461386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timekept/pseuds/timekept
Summary: Nick gets his soulmate mark, the first words he's meant to hear his soulmate say. They're, predictably, fucking weird.





	Hot Under The Collar

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all, so! I actually didn't write this, I got an anon on my tumblr who asked me to anonymously post this to AO3 for them! (and I'm so honored to, this is a really good fic!) Cheers, anon, and I hope you write more--you're excellent at it!

On his eighteenth birthday, Nick was getting fucked up in some kid's garage. As it approached midnight, approached the turning over from seventeen to eighteen, people were taking bets on what would appear.  
“It's going to be something really boring and generic like my mom's. Just 'hey nice to meet you', I guarantee it.”  
“No way. It's going to be in Japanese because you're a filthy fucking weeaboo.”  
“Guys, what if it doesn't... what if I don't get one at all?”   
Some kid clapped Nick around the head and laughed. “Absolute freedom, baby, you don't get tied down to some gremlin for the rest of your life!”  
Nick laughed. Yes, he was nervous, but what could be so bad about getting the first words he ever heard from his soulmate tattooed on his body? It wasn't like it like, dictated his entire future or meant that he was under pressure to find that special somebody or that if he didn't find them he'd spend his entire life cold and alone-  
He whined and put his hands on his head just as some girl said “hey, I heard a story recently about soul marks. This lady was married to some dude and she thought he was her soulmate. Married for like twelve years with a kid. But then this lady comes along and she's the one who actually says the soul marks, so the first lady runs away with her! Fucking wild. I hope that happens to me someday.”  
“I don't,” Nick grumbled, and someone tossed a beer can at him.  
“C'mon, dude, just chill out. It's your birthday. It's not a big deal - everyone knows soul marks aren't as important as they used to be. Now chug this.”

Midnight came hard and fast. A very drunk Nick watched as everyone counted down the last ten seconds, feeling time slow, wondering if this was what dissociation felt like.  
“Six... Five... Four...”  
This was it. His soul mate. His one and only. He squeezed his eyes shut.   
“One!”

There was a warm heat from his inner wrist and he gasped, eyes flying open to see a relatively long sentence inscribe itself into his skin in neat black lettering.   
“I wonder...” he muttered, trying to read it. “I wonder what- I wonder what Kermit keeps under that nasty collar!?”  
There was a chorus of “what!” and “no don't joke around”, so Nick showed off his wrist, and everyone either died laughing or looked extremely confused about the entire thing.   
Nick looked at it for a good minute. He wasn't sure what to make of it - what context that phrase would ever appear in. It wasn't exactly romantic.   
“At least I'm never gonna get them confused with anybody else,” he said with a shrug, and chugged the rest of his beer.

 

College came soon after. It was okay. Hard work and maybe a touch of depression, but he was making it somehow, and he made a few friends there.   
He caught a glimpse of the soul mark on one of their wrists - a girl with amazing pink hair - and she caught him looking and flushed almost as pink as her hair was.  
“Mine's a little goofy,” she said, and rolled up her sleeve properly to show him. It said 'you can't park here!’.  
“It's cool. So’s mine,” Nick said, and showed her, and her eyes widened and she laughed, which Nick was beginning to learn was the normal reaction to his soul mark. He was kind of happy about that, really, in a strange way. His soul mate was making people laugh even before they met them. It felt like a weird connection.   
“That's so cool! Your soul mate is a fan of muhbimbam?”  
“Muhwhatnow?” Nick said.  
“It's - it's a podcast, hold on, I'll link you the goof later. They do a goof about Kermit and it sounds kind of like that. A joke, I mean.” She gave him a wide smile. “Hey, if you get into it and join some fan groups, you might find your soulmate quicker! I know I've been tempted to park in a few illegal spots before.”  
“Th- thanks,” Nick said, not feeling much hope but willing to give it a try. “And you... can park outside my flat any time, because parking isn't allowed there, so it might help you. Probably.”  
She just laughed again. 

 

> Jen: here it is!! someone uploaded the goof to youtube. see!!  
[MBMBaM: Hot Collar]

> Nick: haha thx im gonna listen rn 

A gravelly voice opened up the clip.   
“You never think about Muppets in a sexy context-”  
A different voice interrupted. “Rightfully.”  
“No, not rightfully. Why isn't there more sexy Muppets? C'mon, we're all looking at Miss Piggy here and-”  
“Travis, these are soft fabric puppets you're talking about. There are literally - literally no erogenous zones on a puppet. There's nothing there that can inspire someone's, someone's horny puppet awakening-”  
“Hey,” said an entirely new voice, “I wonder what Kermit keeps under that nasty collar.”  
All three voices choked up into uncontrollable laughter but Nick stared at the YouTube player, shocked, unable to process - is it really this? He's only had the mark a little while. Is it really this strange male voice from some weird podcast? There must be a mistake. Do YouTube videos even count as hearing your soul mate for the first time? Surely not.

The clip finished. Nick sat still for a second, before furiously googling MBMBaM, and opening the first episode he came across. The voice was either someone called Travis, Justin or Griffin.   
When the three boys introduced themselves, Nick clutched his desk. Griffin. He had... he had a nice voice. 

When he calmed down a little, he found himself giggling. The podcast itself was pretty good - his first snort of laughter caught him by surprise. While it was playing, he looked around to see how popular it was and-  
Jesus. That was pretty far up in iTunes. It seemed to be really fucking popular. 

That night, Nick binged as many episodes as he could before it hit 5 am and he finally passed out. He skipped his first class. He binged more episodes. 

 

It was about a year down the line. Nick had refrained from trying to actually contact the brothers - aside from sending in a Yahoo or two, because he really couldn't resist - because he needed to be sure.   
“Hey mom,” he said, as she swept him into a crushing hug.  
“Glad you're home for winter. C'mon inside.”  
His old bedroom was just as he left it, full of videogame junk and old clothes, but it was kinda nice to be back, albeit a little suffocating.   
His mom helped carry up his case. She caught a glimpse of his arm and smiled resignedly.  
“You were always an odd one,” she sighed, but it wasn't cruel. “Makes sense you wouldn't have a conventional mark. She's going to be one odd lady!”  
“Yeah,” Nick just said, feeling ill. “Mom, uh. It. My mark, it might not.” Be a girl? He needed to say it, but he didn't want to. He paused.  
“It might not what?” His mom’s face melted with concern. “Oh, sweetie, are you worried you're not gonna meet her?”  
“Mmmm,” Nick hummed equivocally. “That's not- exactly the problem-”  
“Don't you even worry about it.” She grabbed his hands and held them. “It'll happen. Fate has a funny way of working out.”  
“But what if...” he begins and has to start again. “What if the first person who says it isn't really your soul mate? Do you have to wait for someone else to say it?”  
She raised an eyebrow. “I don't think you're going to have much trouble with duplicates with your particular mark, sweetie.”  
“You'd think,” he said. “But. Are you sure? Like it's absolutely the first person you hear saying it?”  
“Did you - did you meet her? Do you not like her?” His mom stepped closer, trying to catch his eye, which he desperately avoided. “Is there something wrong?”  
“No, nope, nothing like that, I'm just. You know me. Ol’... ol’ worrywart.”  
“Yeah. I know.” She smiled again. “You know my mark, don't you? 'May I take your coat?’ of all things. Do you know how many times I heard that phrase before I met your dad?”  
“At least eight,” Nick hazarded, and she laughed.  
“I don't know. I didn't count. But this time, this time instead of just replying thank you or no thanks like I usually would, this time I couldn't find my car keys. And I was searching everywhere for them. And this waiter was harassing me and asking for my dang coat and I was in such a tizzy I just turned round and said 'you can take another lap around the tables because I'm a little busy right now'.”  
“Mom! That's rude!”  
“I know, and don't you ever be rude to the wait staff, they don't deserve it.” She peeked a quick glance at him to make sure he nodded before continuing. “After I said that, he just looked at me, and I knew. He had this big sad look in his eyes, and I knew, without him even having to show me his mark. So you see. Fate finds a way to make sure we don't get mixed up.”   
“I guess.”  
“I know.”

 

It was a new episode. Nick played it as soon as he got the chance, on a long cross county bus where he'd have plenty of time to listen to it, even if he probably ended up laughing in public like some kind of asshole.  
There was just something so positive and kind about it. Something so comfortable, so pleasant about Griffin and the way he spoke and made jokes. 

“Dear brothers, I just got my soul mark and I haven't shown my family yet. The reason for that is because it's kind of lewd and I don't want my grandma seeing it, because if she does I'll be so embarrassed that I'll die. Should I pretend I don't have one or just come clean with it and risk the mortification? That's from Long Sleeve Shirts in Oregon.”  
“Okay. First rule of soul marks is that anything goes.”  
“Yes, anything goes.”  
Nick settled back into the seat, trying to hide his rapid pulse and flushed face. Oh god. Maybe Griffin would reveal what his soul mark said.   
“Doesn't matter how weird it is. The unspoken rule of soul marks is no judgement from your family.”  
“Griffin, I'd argue that this rule gets broken so often that it's more like a lego set than a hard rule at this point.”  
Nick looked out the window, not really seeing anything.   
“What could possibly be so bad that you don't want your grandma to see it?? How did you get into a situation where the first time you meet someone, they say- uh- oh yeah, baby, lemme... lemme smash that good... zone.”  
Nick burst out laughing.  
“I wanna jostle that tailpipe, you know what I'm saying?”  
“Griffin-”  
“Wanna get all up in that. That nasty area. Crush that-”  
“Griffin-”  
“Just crush it real good. Nice to meet you by the way, I'm Paul from Accounting.”  
“I'm going to be absolutely honest with you here. If I had to live from the age of eighteen with a horny pick up line on my wrist, having to wear long sleeves twenty four seven - explaining to family members and coworkers - as soon as I actually met the person who said that shit, I wouldn't be hanging around to get his number. I'd be gone. You wouldn't see me for dust.”  
“You're just lucky you had the most romantic soul mark of all time.”  
“Actually Griffin, I think I have the most romantic soul mark of all time.”  
“Travis- Travis has some Love Actually shit on his arm, whereas Juice is more-”  
“It's very Love Actually too. Mine is romantic as hell.”  
“Yeah, Griffin, you're just jealous.”  
“Actually no, my soul mark is the most romantic god damn thing I've ever heard,” Griffin quickly asserted. Nick sat up and paid close attention. Both Justin and Travis were laughing out loud. What did they know?  
“It's the entire script of the Bee Movie,” Griffin revealed, and Nick slumped in frustration as they moved away from the topic. 

 

The first time Nick saw Griffin's face, he didn't know what to think. He hadn't really tried to imagine his face before - but somehow this suited him. It fit him to a T. It was just a pixelated one dimensional blur, but it was a start, and Nick tried not to be creepy about it, but he was very weirdly cute.

 

It was about 3 am and Nick was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep.   
What if it wasn't Griffin? What if he'd nurtured this dumb celebrity crush for no reason, and now he was just being a really creepy super fan?   
His email was full of drafts about a sentence long.

Dear brothers, hey what are your soul marks? Mine is a joke you said so I'm kind of  
Dear brothers, I've been a fan for a long time and  
Dear brothers, I think Griffin is my   
Can we meet up I have something really important to 

Nick groaned. There was no way to say it without looking like a creepy super fan. Once, he had heard Griffin mention a girlfriend and had been hit with a spike of bitter jealousy, but he knew realistically that he couldn't expect Griffin to live like a fucking nun waiting for him to - to what, creepily jump him at a convention and garble nonsense at him?  
He turned over in bed and tried to think about literally anything other than Griffin's girlfriend.

 

E3 was always fucking wild. Hot, busy, and Nick was always so fucking exhausted afterwards, but it was still fun as hell.  
Right now, however, it wasn't so fun forking out like forty dollars for a chalupa and trying to find somewhere that wasn't about two hundred degrees to eat it. He'd got separated from the others - no big deal, but finding somewhere to eat his lunch was turning into an odyssey.   
“Scuse me, scuse me,” he chanted as he snaked through the crowds.  
“Wait!” someone said, and Nick looked up at some hairy dude with a beard. “You're the Cheeto guy!”  
“Right, that's me, I'm the Cheeto guy,” Nick said, desperately trying to keep a hold on both his chalupa and his sanity.   
“Haha, no shit! I thought you looked familiar but-”  
“Wait, who's the Cheeto guy?” someone yelled behind Nick. “Who's the Cheeto guy? Who said that?”  
The bearded dude looked over Nick's shoulder and frowned. “This is him! Man, looks like you're pretty famous, uh, Nick, right?”  
“Yeah, I'm,” Nick began, but he trailed off as he saw who was making their very determined way towards him. The chalupa slipped from his hand in an expensive avalanche of meat and salad because - if he wasn't hallucinating right now - Griffin McElroy was charging his way.  
“Are you- did you just say you're the Cheeto guy?’   
Nick tried to find his voice. He croaked, “yeah”.   
“You're the Cheeto guy?”  
“You saw that video too?” the bearded guy said.  
“Video?” Griffin replied, finally looking away from Nick, who felt like all the blood in his head had rushed to his feet. “What video?”  
The guy held up his hand and began loading his YouTube app, and Nick felt like he was dissociating again, because Griffin Fucking McElroy was right in front of him demanding to look at his shitty meme.   
Griffin watched it in silence. Nick gulped. If that wasn't a blow to his comedic ego, nothing was.   
“That's- right,” Griffin finally said, handing the phone back and looking like he'd just seen a ghost. “Thanks. Um. Cheeto guy.”  
Nick nodded. “P- present and correct.” What?  
“What's... it's too crowded here, I can't think. Can we go somewhere quieter?”  
Nick nodded again. “Mmhmm.”  
He didn't trust himself to speak anymore. 

Griffin led him away from the bearded dude to a quiet spot, which unfortunately was in full sunlight so Nick was sweating a small paddling pool's worth of water. Griffin didn't seem much better off.   
“What's your name?”  
“Nick,” said Nick.   
“I'm Griffin.”  
“I know,” Nick said, because apparently he had lost control of his mouth entirely. “I'm- I listen to you.”  
“You're a fan?” Griffin raised his eyebrows.   
“A little,” said Nick, who had been googling signed mbmbam posters yesterday to see if there were any for sale.   
Griffin closed his eyes for a second. “I. This is going to sound really fucking weird.”  
“Mmhmm.”  
“Can I see your soul mark?”  
Nick panicked. His first idea was that Griffin had cornered him here because somehow he'd heard about the mark and now he was going to force Nick to tattoo over it and stop being weird. His second thought was that he really didn't want Griffin to see the mark if he hadn't already.   
“It-”  
“Sorry, that was too personal, I know, but. Have you already heard someone say it before today?”  
“Kinda,” Nick choked out. Griffin sighed.   
“I. I getcha. Sorry for, uh, bothering you. Wow, haha. I think I must have misheard you earlier.”  
“I'm the Cheeto guy?”  
“I didn't mishear you?”  
“No, I. I said that with my mouth.”  
“Oh.” Griffin shrugged. “Sorry about asking to see your soul mark-”  
Nick took a deep breath and turned his wrist over so Griffin could read what was underneath. He did - Nick watched as his face frowned in confusion, then showed the blank nonplussed expression of a man who didn't recognise the words.   
“Yeah. Okay. Hey, that's a pretty funny one.”  
“I. I thought so too.”   
“It's weird because... I mean, how many Cheeto guys are there out there?”  
Now Nick was nonplussed. “I'm sorry?”  
Griffin turned his wrist over. There in black writing was the sentence “right that's me I'm the Cheeto guy”.  
Nick made a strangled noise. “Wow, that is pretty weird, huh.”  
“Yeah. Yeesh, this was quite a misunderstanding, huh.” Griffin looked incredibly embarrassed. “For a minute there I thought. Haha, yowzers.”  
All Nick could think was: oh no, he looks even better in person. Even sweaty and suffering, Griffin was still cute as hell. And Nick - Nick had chalupa on his shoe and was just staring at him.   
“Griffin,” he said, hesitantly. “I. Can I show you a video real quick?”  
“Uh. I mean,” Griffin said, looking at his watch. “I have something to-”  
“I know, but please, just trust me.”

Finding the video was easy. He had it saved, watched it when he couldn't quite believe himself.   
When Griffin saw the title, he stared up at Nick, before listening to his own voice play from the phone.   
“-nasty collar,” Griffin heard himself say, and his eyes widened. He looked at Nick, and Nick looked at him, and suddenly Griffin smiled as if this wasn't actually the biggest disappointment of his entire life, as if Nick was somehow a good result. He gestured to a nearby coffee stall.  
“You dropped your taco earlier, right? Those things are pretty expensive here, and I feel bad. Do you want to- do you wanna get a coffee? On me?”  
“Boy howdy,” Nick replied. “You got fifty bucks?”  
And Griffin laughed out loud. And Nick thought that maybe fate had worked out pretty well for once.


End file.
